I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
how drunk are you?
Several
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
