I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
