i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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