i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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