I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
