Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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