I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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