Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
