I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
