Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
