Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
