I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
