we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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