Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
