why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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