I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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