Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize