Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this beer tastes like vomit already
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
