Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
