I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
