I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
