in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
