sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
