I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
