puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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