Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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