bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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