best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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