I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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