I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
is it fun? or sober?
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