i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
