youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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