Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
