the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
