we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
