like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
