her vagine was all disorganized.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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