I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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