I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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