Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
