It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
