i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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