fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I want her autograph on my taint
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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