did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
