Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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