I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
