Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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