So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
