hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
