Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...