you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
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My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
i came on her dog
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
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I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related