Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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