Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
