end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
