Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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