Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
