just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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