Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
im about as happy as oj after his trial
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
