So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
