Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
There r osticjed everywhere
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
