Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
