I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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