Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
