I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
