how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
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