I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
