have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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