So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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