OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
